Choosing

I breathed in the cool night air deeply as I thrust my head out of my open bedroom window. My floor length cream curtains fluttered in the breeze tickling my leg. I slipped out of my room onto the roof, taking in all that surrounded me. The beauty of the stars took my mind from my body and I didn’t notice the chill in the air for the first several minuets I sat to contemplate. Today gave me much to think about. Ray continued to seem perfect in every way. To think I told him I thought his ‘comfy pants’ would look sexy on him! I should never be so silly as to tell him any such thing! Yet I do not feel embarrassed until I have time to stop and think. Every moment with him feels like one with an old friend, not any old friend, the kind that does not have a preconceived notion about you and yet still fits with you like drums with a melody. “Imagine” I whispered to the all seeing stars, “we’ve only been together 7 months and yet he’s perfect!” I lay back against my hands and thought of earlier in the day. I felt his hand on my back pulling me closer to himself as well as his lips pressed against mine, the heat of his passion flowing through them into my body. I thought of how he looked at me in a way that made me cry and how he ran his finger round and round my face before taking me by surprise and flicking my earlobe. That was the most precious thing and it made me smile up to those stars.

“What has made you so happy, hmm?” Theo asked me, swinging up by my side.

“Mmmm?”

“You’re smiling funky.”

“I was just thinking about something.” I told him, not wanting to spoil the moment. Just because I called him my best friend didn’t mean he wanted me to spill my romantic guts to him that moment. Well I did, but I didn’t want to seem obsessive. I moved over to give the boy more room so he wouldn’t fall off the roof of my garage. “Why did you come find me tonight?”

“Oh you know, it’s been a while.”

“Lame answer!” I thought at him but in real life I just nodded in his direction, he’d tell me soon enough anyway.

“So what’s new with you?” I asked him after we had been silent several minutes.

“Well this is a secret and you have to promise not to tell anyone. Do you promise?”

“I guess so,” I responded. I always say yes to that kind of thing but I never really mean it. I’m really bad at keeping secrets.

“You don’t think I’m gay do you?”

“Of course not, why would I?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why do you want to know if I think you’re gay?”

“Well because I’m confused.”

“About what?”

“About whether or not I’m gay.”

“You still like girls don’t you?”

“Yeah, but.”

“But what?”

“If I tell you you won’t judge me will you?”

“No matter what I’ll still love you the same Theo.

He turned to look at me with ever widening eyes. That is always disconcerting. It makes you think that the other person is peering into your brain and going to call out that you’re a complete fake all at once. “Well, a little while ago my parents had a party, and this guy named Max came. He’s tall, dark, and handsome, plus he has that whole rugged thing going on. He’s around 25”

“Yes?” I said wanting him to get to the point. This did not make any sense. Theo was really hot himself. All my friends had crushes on him, the biggest of which being mine up until some months ago when I started dating the most wonderful Ray. The point is that Theo generally either had a girlfriend or was wooing one and I didn’t understand how in the world one mildly attractive guy made him gay.

“Just listen okay, this might take a while,” he responded. I nodded and he continued, “So anyways, I kind of got drunk at the party and all I could think about was Max this and Max that. When I woke up around 4 o’clock in the morning I rolled out of my bed and went downstairs to go see him. My parents were letting him stay on the pull out couch in the den. When I got down there he was sleeping in my sleeping bag and I crept up next to him ever so quietly and lay down. I ended up waking him up and we made out.” He concluded his tale and turned away to stare down at my lawn.

“I don’t think that means you’re gay Theo,” I finally responded.

“You don’t?”

“No, just because you thought one guy was attractive when you were drinking alcohol does not mean that you’re gay.”

We leaned back against the roof in silence looking up at the stars. And then my phone started to ring. I reached for my pocket and pulled it out. It was Ray. That feeling of love bubbled back up inside of me, but I glanced over at Theo, my long time friend. I wanted to stay out with him just a little longer, so I flipped open my phone, “Hello my darling,” I answered.

“Hello.”

“Is it okay if I call you back in a little bit? I’m talking to Theo.” I said.

“Mkay,”

“I love you.”

“Love you too,” he responded before hanging up.

I slide the phone back into my pocket and turned to Theo and smiled. “Whatcha thinking about?” I asked him.

“Don’t you love me???” he asked, his puppy dog eyes smiling.

“Of course I do darling,” I said laughing. He laughed too and moved closer to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned into him like I had always done. A pine cone fell from one of the trees above us and landed on my arm. “Ouch!” I said brushing my arm off.

“Let me see.”

I twisted so he could see my arm. He leaned over and kissed it, and then looked up at me. The outside air suddenly felt a little warm. Theo and I were close, but not that close, and I had a boyfriend. I knew what could happen if I wanted it to. My mind was in turmoil. I’d had a crush on him since I was 8 and now, 9 years later, it felt like something could happen; would happen, unless I discouraged it. He was moving closer ‘Think Kathleen think!’ I said to myself trying to run over the facts, ‘He’s hot!’ my body told me, ‘and you’ve wanted this forever,’ but then a small bit of reason crept in. ‘He doesn’t love you. Don’t you find it strange that he didn’t want you all the years he could have you but now that you’re taken he does?’ and then the strongest thought of all, ‘What about Ray?’ I knew how much he loved and trusted me. He really cared about me as opposed to simply owning me. Ray trusted me to do the right thing now, and I couldn’t hurt him because he was the most wonderful boyfriend ever. Ray I wanted to marry, Theo I simply felt like kissing. That settled it. I turned away from him and spread my arms out to the sky.

“You know the most wonderful thing?” I asked him, completely ruining the mood.

“What?” he responded after a moment.

“Dreaming,” I said laughing, which is why I must tell you goodnight. I smiled at him one last time before standing up and walking to my bedroom window. “See you later.” I called after I had slipped inside just before I shut my window.

My heart was pounding when I pulled out my phone and dialed Ray’s number. Every ring seemed to take an eternity with no relief in sight. Then he finally picked up.

“Hello?” he asked.

“Hello?” I asked back to him.

“Hello,” he responded.

“Hello,” I said again and we both laughed. “I love you a whole whole whole lot,” I said after a pause.

“I love you too,” he answered simply and I felt shivers run down my spine. I was loved and cared for by the most wonderful man alive and I wasn’t going to give that up for the world.