Cinderella

Wednesday I was the first person in poetry. I took the green dry erase marker and wrote,

"and because these daft and dewy eyed dopes keep building up impossible hopes, impossible, things are happening every day."

in giant letters across the white board...

I erased it before anyone else walked in.

CAT

I took the City Area Transit bus number 4 to school today. [It is part of my new plan to cause as little trouble for my family as possible while at the same time becoming more helpful in general when possible.] I am afraid of the City Bus. I am also afraid of the greenway trail between my house and Crabtree Valley Mall.

I began my journey at noon after looking all over the house for the fuzzy purple jacket which I never did find. On my way out of the neighborhood Gray drove past me in his truck. He called me to ask if I needed a ride but I declined his offer.

The small wooden bridge I took to get on the greenway trail was completely iced over. I crossed it by sliding down in my boat shoes while gripping the railing.

The bridge I had to cross under was as creepy as ever. When I reached it a man started walking toward me. (By this point I had warmed up and taken off my new green pea coat.) I slid my hand into my pocket and took out my knife. I flipped it open under my coat.

When the man drew closer I realized that he was probably 60 or 70 years old. I felt foolish standing there with my open pocket knife hidden under my coat. Oh well. The man went to Virginia Tech and his son went to Carolina.

I walked a little further and a woman power walked by me with her earbuds in. I am afraid of not being able to hear.

I arrived at the bus stop. I almost bought a diet Pepsi but the machine was broken.

There was a young Chinese couple and they looked adorable. After a little bit the him of the couple acted very sheepish and asked if I had an extra dollar. He’d lost his bus pass. I was so glad I could give him one because if the drink machine had worked I would have spent it and then I would not have been able to help. He seemed rather embarrassed. He’s a mechanical engineer major at State.

There was a Hispanic couple that could not speak English. They were lost but I couldn’t help them because they didn’t speak English or French. The bus driver got things straightened out and had someone translate for them where to go.

I arrived at school in time for my class. Perhaps if I do this enough times it will no longer frighten me.

people I consider or have considered a closest of friends at some point in my life

Gray Madden
Mary Beth Madden
Grace Jefferys
Catherine Jones
Michelle
Timothy Decker
Lydia Hall
Ashlyn Batten
Kara Cecil
Sarah Blocker
Taylor Johnson
Anna Gabrielle Etheridge
Laura Catherine Etheridge
Allen Coin
Ryan Kirk Hemingway

D

I am not a good Writer.

ugh.

Today

I walked along. my hand in my love's, trying to memorize each tan colored rock. Water flowed steadily through only half its bed but the sand that touched air held damp traces of recent rain. Cars whizzed by on the bridge above us non-stop creating a predictable rhythem of sound. I couldn't see completely around the giant concrete columns that held up the bridge; I wouldn't hear if someone approached from behind. I shivered. He squeezed my hand and the pressure traveled up my arm. I felt as if he held all of me instead of just a few fingers. I looked ahead. We would leave the bridge's shade soon. A green trashbin with a black liner stood out from some concrete steps in the sunshine.

"What are you thinking?" I asked, looking up into his blue eyes.

He pulled me closer to himself and shook his head. I looked around and jumped. A man sat quietly on the steps, grinning in our direction. I had missed his presence during my earlier inspection. I looked away quickly clinging to my love's hand. The only thing I remembered of the man was he held a paper bag.

page 80 of my journal

I wrote this while I had a migraine last January.

"Pain. Ever on the edge of my concious, waiting, for me to surcum to its plea. Striking me through hunger. Sadness. A bitter battle always lost by myself. The cost of losing is the pain, the cost of winning, my own restraint.

Today I lose.

Sweet delicious tootsie rolls melting in my mouth, giving me the appearance of chocolate. The endorfines of love. And I collaps having taken 800 miligrams of Ibprophen and slip into [his] large warm gray hoodie before letting my dreams take me away from this pain."

Self Awareness

What do chickens gather at the seashore?

Sometimes I don't know what I think. The times I do know what I think I don't know what it means.

Tonight I said my vice was shoes; I have over thirty pairs. My vice is truely spending too much money I think. Shopping in general. Last night (or a couple nights ago, I don't remember) my love said I'm not as bad as I used to be when we first started dating. But when I am sad and I don't feel like doing anything I can motivate myself to get out of bed just with the thought of walking through a store and purchasing whatever strikes me as beautiful. Another vice that I'm trying to vanquish is eating too much. I hate that my muscles are so covered with a layer of fat that you can't even tell when I flex. I eat when I'm bored, when I'm with people, when I'm hungry... sometimes I live for the feeling you get when you are so full of food that you think if you eat one more bite you'll expload. It's not healthy.

I'm not who I want to be. I am not perfect yet. I do know that the testing of my faith produces patience, and patience, when it's had it's perfect work, will make me perfect.

I am in love with my boyfriend. I don't often enough tell people how wonderful he is to me. He puts up with all my mood swings and never leaves me when I am in pain. He truely cares about me beyond what physical pleasure I give him. He is selflessly interested in my interests. He doesn't try and change me or manipulate my feelings. He admits when he's wrong and tells me he's sorry. He is my first boyfriend. We have been together for 2 years 5 months and 26 days. I love him more than anything else in this world. I miss him right now.

I dislike migraines.

My head hurts.

Eggshells.